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Thursday, 2 June 2005
Mood:
 not sure
Well. Today, is just, one of those kinds of days where everything is a blur. Nothing seems to make sense. Everything feels like it's going in a different direction than what it used to be. My days are so out of sync with what used to be. I supposed that happens, but when it hits all at once, my mind feels completely useless. I can think things out but it just doesn't make any sense. Just knowing that the "shoulda, coulda, woulda's" are useless and keep playing over and over again. The regrets come through my mind, playing on repeat, too fast for me to recognize. I keep thinking of the memories that I do have of what things used to be and am trying so hard to hold onto those, but all is overridden by the guilt and regret.
Ok so there's a reason why I sound so sad, I have witnessed the life that shouldn't have ended but has come for the better. My great aunt passed away just yesterday evening, and thinking of all the times when I said "I'll go and visit. Tomorrow." Well tomorrow happened yesterday and now it's too late. I wasn't able to say anything. The cat dug it's claw in deep into my tongue and I couldn't say a word, but think of all the Sorry's and Prayers in my mind hoping she'd be able to hear me. I don't even know if she knew I was there.
When I was first at the hospital by her, she could hear us. We all spoke to her, with quivering voices, we said all the things she could do when she returned home. (Granted all I could do was think everything in my mind.) My main thing was that I wished I could have finished college and she could have been able to see my walk and receive my diploma. She'll be there in spirit but it's not the same as being able to hug her and hear her tell me, "You did it. Finally."
When a prayer was said, I cried. That's all I could do for her. Hold her hand and cry. Thinking by some miracle she'd be able to open her eyes and see us all around the hospital bed, be able to hear us tell her it's ok, to go home.
We all feel that she had to go home, it's where she'd be happiest and feel no more pain. She led a good life. There's nothing anyone would wish she could have changed.
I will miss her. I wish there was more I could do for her, or anyone in my family. The heartache will hurt us all for a little bit, but knowing that this is the best and she isn't in any pain. She's with those that have passed before and comforted by the memories we still have.
I'm grateful for all the times I had with her. I'm grateful for the laughter, the tears that was shared.
Thanks for listening.
Signing off.
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